Behind Closed Doors | The Demon Inside My Head

“Because we are a generation of Broken Hearts and Broken People”

There are Demons, even inside the most smartest of brains. They stay behind closed doors of the human mind. They do not just creep in, in the middle of a night. Or when you think you’re the most depressed. They are always there, hidden, along the very depths of our minds, sleeping. And during your worst, they’re awake. 

No, it’s not a nightmare, but the truth. The reality of us. Of most of the people. Everyone has experienced the demons inside their heads, in some way or the other. They’re scary. They try to overtake your thoughts, your senses, even your soul.

Today, I’m going to share with y’all how and when I figured out about the demons in my head, the darkness of it all, and how I locked them away forever.

The Beginning – demons in my head

So I joined this college in Haryana, India without like giving myself a thought. My father, as all Indian Dads wanted a secure career for me – Engineering. But my mind was never that of an engineer. From all along, it was kinda “different“.

Okay, don’t giggle, I might have been a little crazy or anything, its just.. I was an introvert.

Yeah, a little boy not knowing anything about the world we live in beside his family, the few places he traveled to, a few friends that he made in school.

I didn’t know how this world works.

I had no idea what’s gonna happen after school is over. I saw some of my classmates discuss that after school we’d go join this and that and everything, but me and my bois, well, we discussed video games, the new movies about to release, and stuff that kids talk about, you know. 

But then, without a warning, school got over. And as we celebrated our last few days in there, and came out of the main gate, we saw a huge crowd.

I asked someone, “hey, what’s that?”

He looked at me, and whispered, “The Society!”

The society, our relatives, family, neighbors, everyone gathered on each of our heads asking us what’s next. I don’t know about my friends, they always were kinda straight towards the goal – becoming an engineer. But not me, as I told you, I’m crazy, right. But who isn’t?

I had nothing to answer when my parents asked me what I want to do? What college do I wanna go? What do I wanna become? I was silent. I just knew, that I didn’t, at any cost, want to be like everyone else, I did not want to be an engineer, even a doctor or something most of the students aspire to be.

Well, so this all happened, and I just somehow ended up in a College pursuing Mass Comm & Journalism. See, I always had a knack for writing, whatever I felt, whatever I needed to speak out loud but couldn’t, I’d write. It has always been my escape. So I thought, hey, let’s go see this through, you know. I thought just let me take this now, and maybe I’ll figure out my passion, once into something.

IT STARTED THEN.

As the days passed, the classes got over, the syllabus got completed, something inside my head – started to speak.

To whisper, some words, and then go silent again. Sometimes, when I was asleep, I’d get a nightmare, where I’m running, but I don’t know to where, and I don’t know from whom.

I never told this to anyone. I realized during my hostel days, that there’s something I’m good at – and it was faking that I was fine.

Faking that I know what I’m doing.

Faking, that I have life all figured out.

I was an incredibly great faker – so much so – that once I made myself believe in my faking too.

I started to consume the way it all was. I told myself, that not everyone needs a dream. Or a passion. Most of the people work wherever they need to. They don’t have a dream.

But isn’t it sad? Not having a dream. All these thoughts started to come unannounced in the middle of the night, creeping into my mind and my soul, slowly. The whispers? they started to become louder, clearer.. They told me in a creepy tone, “You aren’t enough..!!” And the worst part about that, is I started to believe them.

I developed a skill of always laughing, smiling, making and creating fun with my friends. But deep down, behind closed doors, it felt like something is broken inside me. I started having this urge to just find out what I wanna do with my life.

Do I really wanna be a Journalist? Write for the TV news shows? And spend my life like that? Or is there something else?

I started to figure out myself. I started to spend time alone with me, and just think. Of things that I love, things that I’d like to do. Then I found it out. TRAVELLING.

“Travel feeds my soul”. Travel heals me, just like writing does.

Seeing new places, eating new dishes, sitting at different cafes, roaming through the different streets, mountains, rivers, snow, beaches, waves, cityscapes, everything. I concluded that, I find myself when I Travel.

The Return of “The Whisper” – demons in my head

A few days passed, and I found out that there actually are courses for getting inside the travel industry. I started being genuine, and I threw away the fake mask I used to put on, somewhere in my cupboard. Notice, I threw it, I didn’t burn it.

A few months passed, I went back home for a while during the holidays. Then, one day I went out for running, you know, to get in shape. So I ran along the glowing streets and I fell. I fell into a relationship..! Yeah. We used to speak and chat a lot before that for about an year, but the day we finally met, was the day that we both thought :Either Love is Here or Nowhere..!! We both were wrong..! 

We stayed in a relationship for about 2 years. It started out pretty good, like a fairy tale, but within the very few months, it started to turn toxic. Maybe we weren’t good for each other, Maybe it wasn’t the right time, Maybe we didn’t deserve each other.

2 years later, it ended up in a messed up space. It messed me up. From the inside, deeply.

And what happens when there was a thing that was broken and you fixed it somehow, but it got broken again? The Whisper returned. Telling me what it always told me, “You aren’t enough..!!” And I did what I did whenever that happened, I believed in it. Again.

See, remember I told you I threw my fake mask in my cupboard, I didn’t burn it? I guess I knew I’d need it soon enough.  

The darkness inside my head kept spreading, and the thing many talented people face when they master a skill, or when they are at the topmost, I felt the same and I couldn’t work on it anymore.

People still believed me when I was with them, but I knew this time is not like the previous one, it’s like those thoughts had mixed up with these, and created a species larger than ever inside my head : The Whisper was stronger now. And I had no idea how to handle it, anymore.

Getting Darker and Darker

Our brains, our minds have a world of it’s own, waiting to be discovered. It has it’s own elements of our real world. It has its own heaven, it’s own earth, and it’s own hell. The depths you go through, decide where you are and where you’re headed.

The Mindaven, is the upmost layer, having a collection of some amazing and happy moments and memories throughout the course of your life.

The Minderth, is the middle layer, and is exactly like our world. It has people we’ve met, the places we’ve been to or seen, memories we remember : good and bad, both. 

The Mindell, is in the extreme depths. It is a place where all the negative thoughts, the bad moments, the worst memories are kept. It’s a bad place. But it’s in so underneath the surface, that when we keep things inside there, locked away, behind closed doors, we can get rid of those- for a while, or maybe even forever.

 When The Whisper came back, it was strong, it could manipulate me, it started to consume my thoughts, my mind and even my soul, slowly. But I thought that I am the only one who could stop it, right? Forever. To lock it away inside the dark depths of the Mindell. The problem? I didn’t know how to.

It was so much strong, that I stopped what I loved. I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t write anymore. There were thoughts in my head, yes. But they weren’t mine. They were The Whisper’s. It took away my only escape- writing.

But then I remembered, my second escape: To Travel.

I traveled with my family to different places for a while. Towards the mountains. When I traveled, it seemed like the Whisper has left. But when I returned home, kept the luggage aside, went to my room and as I opened my door, there it was, behind the closed door, waiting for me.

Sending it back to Hell – demons in my head

After a few days, I got my admission to pursue what I actually wanted to : Travel Studies.

I made friends on the first day itself: it was actually pretty awesome for me.  An introvert. As classes started, and I finally, after school, started enjoying studies, a little bit, friendships grew. 

Then, I was introduced, to Magic. Magic was a person in my class. She sat in the front row, me in the second, mostly. I didn’t know her. We didn’t talk yet. But the thing is, every time something funny came up, my eyes would automatically just go towards her. I still don’t exactly know how or when, but we became best friends, almost instantly. Magic used to live nearby my home, so we started a to-and-fro together to college and then back again. That time was incredible. It felt peaceful.

One night, as I went to sleep, suddenly something in my mind, spoke. NO, it wasn’t The Whisper. It wasn’t creepy. It was more, friendly. It told me just three words “magic can heal” and it just vanished. I didn’t give it that much of a thought, and went back to sleep.

A few days passed, there was no message from The Whisper. No creepy whispers during the night. No nightmarish thoughts. No one telling me I wasn’t enough. It felt like, it had finally left. For good.

But it didn’t. It made me think that it did leave. But it came back again, after a few months. 

I was sitting and talking with Magic, while it appeared, staring into my soul, through the window.

I got terrified. I didn’t want Magic to see it. But she did. She saw it through the reflection in my eyes. And what she did next? She held me.

I told her it’s nothing.

She told me to shut up.

She held me for a while.

Looking inside my eyes.

As if, reading, what all I’ve been through.

She didn’t say anything.

Neither did I. But it felt peaceful, I felt… powerful.

For the first time in my life since The Whisper came by. It was the first moment, where I felt, I could beat it. (demons in my head). Not alone, but with Magic. 

She understood me. And finally, finally after so many years, there was someone whom I could tell everything about The Whisper. I told her some, but not the full story. I was afraid, it could bring it back.

Because of her, because of my family, and because now I had a dream, I ended up facing my demon. I went back to “The Closed Door” and called out to him, by his name. 

It was frightening, for me. And for the demon as well.

It stared into my eyes, trying to scare me. But I didn’t get scared by him anymore.

He told me, what it always did, “you aren’t enough” and this time, I didn’t believe him.

I believed the people standing with me. I believed in my dreams. I believed in me. The Whisper… vanished. Into the very depths of my mind.. into a locked cage.. behind an ever-closed-door.

Conclusion

See, the Demons Inside Your Head, will only be strong, if they think you’re alone. But you’re not. You are never alone. You have your friends. Your family. Your dreams. And Magic. 

A great philosopher once said, and I realized,  

“Magic can heal broken hearts and broken people…“